Monday, March 18, 2013

Benjamin Alma Nicoll!

Benjamin Alma Nicoll is here! He was born on Feb. 23 at 11:18 AM. I won't write out all the details of delivery but it was relatively fast (9 hours) and he is absolutely beautiful! Brig and I are in love with him.

I want to take this opportunity to talk about something that I've been dealing with. The night Ben was born, I was hit hard with sadness, anxiety, guilt, and a whole host of other unpleasant emotions. I cried all night in the hospital and didn't sleep. Since then, I've struggled with postpartum depression and it has been the hardest thing I've ever done. I want to talk about it because it doesn't get talked about enough. I did not expect those feelings that I had and it took me by complete surprise. It took me a while to understand what was happening and I wish I could have identified it sooner.

I have been so blessed to have mine and Brig's families within 10 minutes of me and have utilized them a lot. Some days, I feel like I can't control the anxiety and depression and it spirals out of control into panic attacks. This has only happened a couple times, but I'm so grateful for the help of my family. I know many people don't experience this, but if you do, please tell people. Get help and talk about it. Don't keep it inside. It was very humbling for me to admit that I was having these feelings but the relief it brought was immeasurable. I started on an anti-depressant almost 2 weeks ago and the side effects have been pretty hard to deal with. Insomnia and lack of appetite are the hardest to deal with. One thing that has brought some relief is giving myself the option of formula-feeding. Exclusive breastfeeding was just causing too much stress (I was stressed about eating enough and sleeping enough, neither of which I can do) and being able to give him formula has been a big blessing.

I am grateful that I can pray. Prayer has gotten me through some sleepless nights. I have begged God to take this away from me, but it is my cross to bear for the time being. Like I said, this is the hardest thing I've ever done. I have cried more in the past 3 weeks than I have in my whole life combined.

Despite the depression and anxiety, I am madly in love with Ben and know that he is not the cause of these bad feelings. When I hold him, I feel instantly better.

Brigham has been my angel the past 3 weeks. He has talked me through panic attacks and never gotten impatient with me. I truly couldn't be doing this without him.

I am still struggling with it every day. I have hope that it will end someday, but I don't know when that will be. I ask for prayers in my behalf. Thank you for letting me talk about this openly. It helps :)


Sam and Leslie said...

It will pass, Em! You have so much to look forward to now with your little Ben :) I'm so sorry to hear you're having to deal with these things but it will not last forever! Love you lots and sending prayers!!

Aubree Legler said...

Hi, I'm Becca Frost's sister, and I just wanted to let you know you are fabulous! You are doing exactly what is needed to take care of your little family, and despite what you may feel now, you are a great mommy. Great mommies are the ones that get help, utilize family, and make choices like bottle feeding even if everyone else tells you it's better to breastfeed. Congrats to you and Brigham, and know you're not alone! You can do this!

Allison Johnson said...

Hi, I am one of Jen's friends. I just wanted to let you know, it will get better. I had post-partum pretty bad with my first, and it lasted about three months. I didn't have it at all when I had mys second, and not as bad with my third. Hang in there! Just love on your baby as much as you can, and let everything else go out the window!

Jen said...

Love all the honesty.
I agree with everyone, you are doing just what you need to do. It's sooo not easy, but just continue asking for help and take it when it is offered.

claire said...

I don't know you but I started reading your blog a few weeks ago, came across it from another blog. I read another blog that I think may be helpful. I don't know this woman personally either (I am normal person who is justvinspired by the lds blogging community -I am not lds), but think it may help you. It is

Congrats on the birth of your son and good luck with everything.


nadiag15 said...

I imagine they don't tell kids about it