Opposition

Hello friends!

My last post detailed my experience with postpartum depression and I'm happy to say I feel SO much better! I began taking some medication and it did the trick. I feel like myself again and am so happy. I love my baby and am thoroughly enjoying motherhood.

I think I am so cognizant of my happiness because I was so unhappy for about a month. That is such a short time in the grand scheme of things but it felt like an eternity and like I would never be happy again. What a wise God, to give us opposition so we can more fully appreciate happiness. I would never ask to go through that again, and I might even ask God why if I had to do that again but after the fact, I know He loves me and that my experience with PPD has helped me gain perspective and appreciate happiness and peace more than I ever could have before.

On a side note: motherhood is divine. I am constantly feeling the love that Heavenly Father has for this baby and for me as his mama. I highly recommend it :)

Benjamin Alma Nicoll!

Benjamin Alma Nicoll is here! He was born on Feb. 23 at 11:18 AM. I won't write out all the details of delivery but it was relatively fast (9 hours) and he is absolutely beautiful! Brig and I are in love with him.

I want to take this opportunity to talk about something that I've been dealing with. The night Ben was born, I was hit hard with sadness, anxiety, guilt, and a whole host of other unpleasant emotions. I cried all night in the hospital and didn't sleep. Since then, I've struggled with postpartum depression and it has been the hardest thing I've ever done. I want to talk about it because it doesn't get talked about enough. I did not expect those feelings that I had and it took me by complete surprise. It took me a while to understand what was happening and I wish I could have identified it sooner.

I have been so blessed to have mine and Brig's families within 10 minutes of me and have utilized them a lot. Some days, I feel like I can't control the anxiety and depression and it spirals out of control into panic attacks. This has only happened a couple times, but I'm so grateful for the help of my family. I know many people don't experience this, but if you do, please tell people. Get help and talk about it. Don't keep it inside. It was very humbling for me to admit that I was having these feelings but the relief it brought was immeasurable. I started on an anti-depressant almost 2 weeks ago and the side effects have been pretty hard to deal with. Insomnia and lack of appetite are the hardest to deal with. One thing that has brought some relief is giving myself the option of formula-feeding. Exclusive breastfeeding was just causing too much stress (I was stressed about eating enough and sleeping enough, neither of which I can do) and being able to give him formula has been a big blessing.

I am grateful that I can pray. Prayer has gotten me through some sleepless nights. I have begged God to take this away from me, but it is my cross to bear for the time being. Like I said, this is the hardest thing I've ever done. I have cried more in the past 3 weeks than I have in my whole life combined.

Despite the depression and anxiety, I am madly in love with Ben and know that he is not the cause of these bad feelings. When I hold him, I feel instantly better.

Brigham has been my angel the past 3 weeks. He has talked me through panic attacks and never gotten impatient with me. I truly couldn't be doing this without him.

I am still struggling with it every day. I have hope that it will end someday, but I don't know when that will be. I ask for prayers in my behalf. Thank you for letting me talk about this openly. It helps :)

Happy Anniversary!

I have so much to catch up on! For one thing, we had a baby :) but I'll write about that later when I have more time. For today, I am feeling so blessed to be married to my Brig. He brings out my happy, genuine smile :)  Here's to a wonderful 4 years and many more to come!

I love you!!

New Stuff

-Last day of 2012! I cannot believe it. But I am SO looking forward to 2013!

- Has anyone else had this nasty flu bug? I got it, then I got it again, and just for good measure, I picked it up a third time and paid a visit to the ER for an IV and some Zofran. I couldn't even keep water down. Blah.

-Christmas week was awesome! We got to spend tons of time with family and eat a bunch of yummy food. Just the way it ought to be.

- I took my glucose test for GD and it was NOT even bad! I expected the drink to be terrible but it was just like really sugary gatorade. Could do it again in a heartbeat.

- I'm a little depressed about life starting up again this week (Brig goes back Wednesday, I go back Monday) but I keep telling myself it will fly by and before we know it, we'll have a wee baby to snuggle!

- I have started Indexing via Family Search! I just finished my first batch and am looking forward to many more.

- 31 weeks pregnant and not even close to ready! (Stuff-wise... I am more than ready body-wise haha)

-Here is a pic from last New Year's Eve... may this year's be just as glorious! Happy New Year everyone!!

7 Years

7 years ago today, my big brother Ben died on his LDS mission in Argentina. It's been a long 7 years day by day but as I look back, it seems to have gone so quickly. I have been having a particularly hard time this year because I'm pregnant and this little one will never have the chance to meet his uncle Ben (or Ethan, my other brother who's also passed away).

Brig and I have thought a lot about what we ought to name this boy and Benjamin just seems to be the one. I didn't know at first if I would be happy every time I said it or sad, but as I have thought about it more and more, I think it will be an honor to my brother and my boy. I can't wait to have a Ben of my own and tell him about his Marine, ice-cream loving, mission-serving uncle. I want our Ben to know Big Ben well, to recognize him when he sees him. It will certainly make for a sweet reunion.

I have no pictures of Ben on my computer but I will remedy that and get one up here, for memory's sake. I love him and miss him more than ever today, but I have a lot of hope for my Little Ben who is on his way.

Baby update!

Here is a picture of my tummy at 26.5 weeks. I think I'm finally out of the awkward stage! Hooray! I get taken aback when people ask when the baby is due since it's now so noticeable! But I love it.

Kiddo is all up in my right ribs, is a big mover (especially when I sit or lay down) and I can tell he is gonna be awesome!

I had a Dr.'s appointment yesterday and he said everything's good. Next month we'll do glucose test and RhoGAM shot since I have a negative blood type.

3 more months!!! Woohoo!

Thankful Thursday on Friday morning

Today I'm thankful for my sweet mother-in-law. Yesterday, my co-worker was asking me about my in-laws in general and I was telling her how blessed I am to LOVE my parents-in-law.

I feel completely safe saying my mom-in-law is one of the sweetest, most giving, hardest-working women I have ever met. She would give you the shirt off her back-or the boots off her feet in my case :)

I love her a whole lot and am so grateful for her love for me.

What are you thankful for?

Thankful Thursday!

Today I am thankful for so many things!

1. My darling friend Rachel is home from her mission to Hong Kong and I got to go to the airport and see her! I love her! I forgot my camera, but I'm sure I'll have a pic soon.

2. I job that I love and get to laugh everyday. I work with special needs students at a junior high and they can be a handful, but a glorious handful!

3. The baby is growing! Proof:


4. A free country in which I can vote. What a blessing.

What are you thankful for?

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful for family and friends who take me in when Brig spends Halloween in the Anatomy lab. With a bunch of cadavers. I think I got the better end of the deal :)

The Story of Houdini

Once upon a time (about 2 years ago), it was Brig's birthday! I wanted to make it awesome, and he wanted a cockatiel, so we got one. He hung from the ceiling of his cage the whole way home so we named him Houdini.

Houdini was cute, but grumpy. He was not hand-fed so he straight up hated humans. Brig tried and tried to train him but to no avail. About 4 or 5 months ago, Houdini started this screeching that I COULD NOT handle. So, outside he and his little songs (read: howling/screaming/screeching) went. Through a brick wall (!) I could still hear him going nuts. And so could our neighbors. And so could everyone within a half a mile.

After asking Brig a million times what he wanted to do about it (I knew what I wanted to do about it...),  Brig left the cage open to see what he would do and the little howler flew away. I was surprised. Brig was sad. And I felt like a terrible person. But not too terrible since I don't wake up to him screaming anymore and neither do my neighbors. Win win! Except for Brig. Actually, Brig was sad for like a day and then fine since we never had a real deep connection with the bird.

I hope Houdini is living the good bird life, drinking from puddles and eating whatever he can find. And screeching as much as his little heart desires.

Brig: maybe someday we'll get a nice bird? Or let's just chalk it up to experience and move on with a dog :)