Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Today

Sometimes my heart hurts so bad I can feel the scars forming with every beat. My heart must be as calloused as my heel by now. Then why do I feel so much? Why does it still cut so deep?

It's not the future that hurts. I know I'll see them again and I know they are happy.

It's raising my fist to knock on my mother's door and hearing her crying.

It's laughing at something funny and then feeling guilty. Why should I be happy when they go through so much pain?

It's forgetting the sound of his voice and turn of his face.

It's the regret that I wasn't always kind.

It's the unanswered question of what it would be like if they were here.

It's the dichotomy of feeling happy that I have a sensitive heart and wishing I could go the rest of my life without feeling.

It's just that I miss them. So much.

There are some days that to feel is to hurt. Today is one of those days.

But they are not everyday. Thank goodness for that.

6 comments:

Kristalyn said...

Oh, my darling. I love you and your family so much. I pray for you often.

Jen said...

You are an amazing Sister, then & now. They are looking over you and you will always be in there thoughts. They are just waiting for you to come up so they can tease you again. I know you are going to be love that :)

Loves Sister :)

Clint and Tiffany said...

Sweetheart! It's ok to have those days. I think that if you didn't, you'd be calloused. Going through pain doesn't make your heart harden, turning your back on the experience and coming away with nothing does that. Ben and Ethan love you and your family, even from the other side of the veil. I know you know that. Clint lost his little brother 4 years ago, and I often filter through those same thoughts. He was almost engaged, and I wonder how many kids they would have now if things had been different. I imagine a normal earth life for him. But then I have to take a step back and see reality for what it is... it's a learning experience. If it were always sunshine and lollipops there would be no growth and honestly probably no love if you think about it. No TRUE love. They may not be living a normal earth life like we yearn they could be, but I can guarantee that they are living an incredible Celestial life, one that they are beyond excited to share with us when the time is right. So, my dear Emily, cry your tears. Miss your brothers and don't you feel a bit calloused by your pain. The fact that it still hurts speaks volumes for the tenderness of your heart. I love you girly, and think the world of you and your family. Hope today is better.

Laraine Eddington said...

Your thoughts were beautifully expressed Emily. Thank you for sharing them.

Our Ohana said...

completely, 110% agree.

love you, babe!

April said...

Aw, Em, I love you. Thank you for so honestly sharing your thoughts and feelings. It makes our own feelings of disappointments and dreads easier to bear and our hopes and happinesses more real. We're all on this journey together. Sometimes it's so hard...so, so hard. But the end of the story is oh so magnificent, I'm sure of it! I'm so grateful I get to spend part of my journey on your team, my love :) Love those little brothers until it hurts...and the hurt of missing your big brothers will be smothered up in them and hopefully cause everything make sense. I love you, Emily.